some questions...

Kinda excited lately….will tell ya later on why…haha…

The new semester has started, and here I am working in Gold River for a week. As I settle much of my stuffs in uni, I suddenly found out some distress. Its really frustrating though since im not able to be uni for this particular week.

In a state of worrying emotion most of the time, I could not understand how I could not manage this feeling properly. I feel I am too laid aback till I have to face the circumstances.

What circumstances that is? I guess its hiccups along the road. Everything used to revolve around me last time. But now, I figured that its no longer that way. I follow how the world revolves. I am bound to the rules and regulations of the university. If I do not obey, there goes my future…every move is so fragile and makes a domino effect. You don’t do this, you can’t do that.

Where I was pampered in high school, I feel so unbalanced. I do what I like no matter what it is, eventually I always go away with happy endings. Then, there is the bitter truth of just doing what you like and not planning well. All things that you assumed should fall into place, do not go exactly to how you want it.

What you want is not what you get if you could not grab hold of it. To grab hold of it doesn’t mean there is no effort in place. To grab, is to make smart decisions, precise planning, and the suitable actions.

And who knows exactly what is best? What is best? I question. What is best for me? What is best for my friends, and the people around me?

On deciding the best, here comes the invisible pressure of being best. Then comes the ironic part where there is no need to be best in all you do. You will just get tired out. What is so worthy of being best?

So silly this small mind of mine.

For being one of the best before, I do care if people have negative thoughts of me. I still want to be the clean living, heart loving, people caring person in the eyes of everyone. That is what I want to live for. For my own pleasure, I serve others. To see people around me happy.

But it is always not that easy. How many can I please? And does pleasing others guaranty my happiness. I can answer you, no. Sometimes I please n please till the extend the person may not appreciate what it is that I have done.

And so, as a human, I will make mistakes.

For not knowing what is the best actions. And as a human, we condemned the people that do not appreciate us. As I have encounter people who treat me thata way, I am immune towards the hurt of being not appreciated. That is how I defend myself. I try not to love these friends lesser for I still have hope in them. And just maybe I could not see the way they appreciate me.

All we see is the way we want people to treat us. Putting up to that, we blind ourselves on how they may have helped us in other ways we could not feel, or we are not satisfied we so little appreciation.

All I know is I can’t hate everyone that does that to me. Hate and anger would just lead to more destruction. But being truthful at certain times might help ease my discomfort. I hope for friends that I can rely on. That is all.