to all loyal reader(s)
kinda trying out this new blog,
please navigate yourself to...
www.dreamchazer.tumblr.com
July 28, 2010
July 19, 2010
some questions...
Kinda excited lately….will tell ya later on why…haha…
The new semester has started, and here I am working in Gold River for a week. As I settle much of my stuffs in uni, I suddenly found out some distress. Its really frustrating though since im not able to be uni for this particular week.
In a state of worrying emotion most of the time, I could not understand how I could not manage this feeling properly. I feel I am too laid aback till I have to face the circumstances.
What circumstances that is? I guess its hiccups along the road. Everything used to revolve around me last time. But now, I figured that its no longer that way. I follow how the world revolves. I am bound to the rules and regulations of the university. If I do not obey, there goes my future…every move is so fragile and makes a domino effect. You don’t do this, you can’t do that.
Where I was pampered in high school, I feel so unbalanced. I do what I like no matter what it is, eventually I always go away with happy endings. Then, there is the bitter truth of just doing what you like and not planning well. All things that you assumed should fall into place, do not go exactly to how you want it.
What you want is not what you get if you could not grab hold of it. To grab hold of it doesn’t mean there is no effort in place. To grab, is to make smart decisions, precise planning, and the suitable actions.
And who knows exactly what is best? What is best? I question. What is best for me? What is best for my friends, and the people around me?
On deciding the best, here comes the invisible pressure of being best. Then comes the ironic part where there is no need to be best in all you do. You will just get tired out. What is so worthy of being best?
So silly this small mind of mine.
For being one of the best before, I do care if people have negative thoughts of me. I still want to be the clean living, heart loving, people caring person in the eyes of everyone. That is what I want to live for. For my own pleasure, I serve others. To see people around me happy.
But it is always not that easy. How many can I please? And does pleasing others guaranty my happiness. I can answer you, no. Sometimes I please n please till the extend the person may not appreciate what it is that I have done.
And so, as a human, I will make mistakes.
For not knowing what is the best actions. And as a human, we condemned the people that do not appreciate us. As I have encounter people who treat me thata way, I am immune towards the hurt of being not appreciated. That is how I defend myself. I try not to love these friends lesser for I still have hope in them. And just maybe I could not see the way they appreciate me.
All we see is the way we want people to treat us. Putting up to that, we blind ourselves on how they may have helped us in other ways we could not feel, or we are not satisfied we so little appreciation.
All I know is I can’t hate everyone that does that to me. Hate and anger would just lead to more destruction. But being truthful at certain times might help ease my discomfort. I hope for friends that I can rely on. That is all.
The new semester has started, and here I am working in Gold River for a week. As I settle much of my stuffs in uni, I suddenly found out some distress. Its really frustrating though since im not able to be uni for this particular week.
In a state of worrying emotion most of the time, I could not understand how I could not manage this feeling properly. I feel I am too laid aback till I have to face the circumstances.
What circumstances that is? I guess its hiccups along the road. Everything used to revolve around me last time. But now, I figured that its no longer that way. I follow how the world revolves. I am bound to the rules and regulations of the university. If I do not obey, there goes my future…every move is so fragile and makes a domino effect. You don’t do this, you can’t do that.
Where I was pampered in high school, I feel so unbalanced. I do what I like no matter what it is, eventually I always go away with happy endings. Then, there is the bitter truth of just doing what you like and not planning well. All things that you assumed should fall into place, do not go exactly to how you want it.
What you want is not what you get if you could not grab hold of it. To grab hold of it doesn’t mean there is no effort in place. To grab, is to make smart decisions, precise planning, and the suitable actions.
And who knows exactly what is best? What is best? I question. What is best for me? What is best for my friends, and the people around me?
On deciding the best, here comes the invisible pressure of being best. Then comes the ironic part where there is no need to be best in all you do. You will just get tired out. What is so worthy of being best?
So silly this small mind of mine.
For being one of the best before, I do care if people have negative thoughts of me. I still want to be the clean living, heart loving, people caring person in the eyes of everyone. That is what I want to live for. For my own pleasure, I serve others. To see people around me happy.
But it is always not that easy. How many can I please? And does pleasing others guaranty my happiness. I can answer you, no. Sometimes I please n please till the extend the person may not appreciate what it is that I have done.
And so, as a human, I will make mistakes.
For not knowing what is the best actions. And as a human, we condemned the people that do not appreciate us. As I have encounter people who treat me thata way, I am immune towards the hurt of being not appreciated. That is how I defend myself. I try not to love these friends lesser for I still have hope in them. And just maybe I could not see the way they appreciate me.
All we see is the way we want people to treat us. Putting up to that, we blind ourselves on how they may have helped us in other ways we could not feel, or we are not satisfied we so little appreciation.
All I know is I can’t hate everyone that does that to me. Hate and anger would just lead to more destruction. But being truthful at certain times might help ease my discomfort. I hope for friends that I can rely on. That is all.
July 03, 2010
wake up call
This post was the post I wanted to write just before. As something inappropriate happened, I decided to postpone it. As I postpone a post, usually I would not want to mention it again, or the matter has gone pass, or else I feel no passion for writing it.
And yet, I thought I would not need to type this post out, but as the title says wake up call, this is really a wake up call for me.
As we all move towards our everyday routine, you wake up, u brush your teeth (or you don’t), you eat your breakfast (or you don’t either), you go to school, college, or work, wherever you go, you are certainly living on the time basis where from what time to what time you have to do this.
Not living like a zombie, but just it shows that we are living no matter whatever we do, or wherever we go.
And here comes the best part, unexpected things that come bumping into your way. You may find money on the floor, get a new dog from mama, or the person you had a crush on says she loves you. These are the unexpected things anyone would be happy to hear or encounter. But bear in mind, not all the time good things happen.
And all sadists will gladly tell you that don’t be too positive that money will fall from heaven, the dog may bite you one day, and the person you love may hurt and leave you one day.
For we live in a world that pain and suffering is a part and parcel of life, I still keep on the positive track of everything.
No matter how smooth our live may be, we should open up ourselves to possibilities of hurt, and friend, the way to get out of it. We are not being God and trying to predict futures, but it is just a matter of saving more money just in case of an accident. As we go for medical checkup for hearts.
I had a wake up call recently, that even how sweet my life would be now, may suddenly end. Without any sign, I am suddenly stricken into despair. I find that I had slowly become weak, and easily set up on fire. Anger my friends would only lead to more despair.
When I realize my happy world was being shaken I start to ask myself is it true? That my world may fall upon me? What was it that triggers it? What did I do or not do? Questioning myself I still could not find the reason and I dare not make my own assumptions. In a situation of question marks, pain just gets stronger.
Suddenly you feel yourself so vulnerable; a match could light up a fire. But that Sunday I went to church. I skip Sunday service for so long. Reappearing was a joy for everyone and of course for me. I listen to TK preach that morning. A song lyric struck my bitter heart. That God is enough for me, and certainly do God is enough for me. To cure my bitter heart I know that there is still HIM.
Spend my time with Amanda that Sunday afternoon who I don’t see often. Brought me to a beautiful bakery. Just chatting with her always always makes me feel better, as if she is the second Janice. She understands. Each word I want to say. Having her as a sister in christ is really heaven sent.
And so, a wake up call made me notice that anything could happen anytime. We just got to be ready. And keep on loving. Knowing that I would hurt, I don’t stop loving, I don’t start hating. For if I stop loving and start hating, I surely would not feel more happy. I love with all I have without regrets knowing that she deserves all of it.
I am happy.
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