The world may fall on you, but you don’t fall down and give up. You crawl back up when everything is on the ground lower than you. There you are taller than anything, when everything is beneath you.
There is no wrong or right and no one blame you for what you did, or did not. You are not walking the road ahead alone. You are just sitting a test where only you are allowed to answer you own questions and sometimes I can’t help you.
I may teach you how to do it, but in the end you have to do it yourself. I can’t be guiding you all the while, there will be no room for you to grow.
Too comfortable you become, and you can’t see the glass falling. In your comfort zone you refuse to grow, refuse to step your feet out.
I am not making your life harder, nor making your life darker, will you look on the bright side?
That I did not blame you, no one blame you, I just have to go, and I can’t stay here. Even how hurt and sad I had been, I still look forward so that I won’t feel hurt anymore.
Can you tell me who does not care enough for you? Each and everyone by your side do care for you.
Look outside, step outside, and see what the world really is. Sometimes it may be disgusting and you don’t like it, but you can’t hate the world. You can’t hate your friends, even if they sometimes get on your nerves.
Accept, overcome, and solve it. How ugly the road in front, you can change it to be a nicer one.
You just need some seeds and water, so that flowers will grow, and clear all those dirt in your path way. You just got to work your way to a better road.
Everyone does it. Sometimes they don’t realize it.
So you see, don’t be lazy. Get up, you will want to see a better view.
November 24, 2009
November 19, 2009
Calm Breeze
Blowing winds and cool air is a normal scene we see this few days. Cloudy skies day and night, grey in the day and red in the night sky.
As cool as the air may be, is also as cool as my heart would be. Waking up in the morning, passing by the roofless corridor, watering my friends the orchid and fu kuai fa. In my mind I just want to brush my teeth at the sink next to the balcony, looking at the clouds, brushing my teeth never felt so calming before. Hahaha....
And so is my day, switched on the radio and get on with my daily chores. There is nothing to worry, nothing to be sad about, and least frustration on my mind.
This is the only time I did not work in my holidays. Really didn’t get used to it at first, as I always try not to be at home, but this time was different. Since the sem break started till today, I find myself drown in chores and catching up with friends. I guess I really need time for them and of course time to clean the haggard house.
Mom doesn’t get on my nerves too often nowadays. This few weeks itself, I connect back with friends I don’t meet in almost half a year, months, and even weeks. Guess I spent so much time somewhere else I could not make time for myself and for these friends.
No ups and downs too frequent a time, just a simple straight line along the cruise. Slowing down my pace and trying to sip the fresh air. The air with my scent, the air of being me. Spending more time at home with the beautiful lady at home, maintaining this old house, and chatting throughout the night.
That is life, life during my sem break here. Hahaha…
As cool as the air may be, is also as cool as my heart would be. Waking up in the morning, passing by the roofless corridor, watering my friends the orchid and fu kuai fa. In my mind I just want to brush my teeth at the sink next to the balcony, looking at the clouds, brushing my teeth never felt so calming before. Hahaha....
And so is my day, switched on the radio and get on with my daily chores. There is nothing to worry, nothing to be sad about, and least frustration on my mind.
This is the only time I did not work in my holidays. Really didn’t get used to it at first, as I always try not to be at home, but this time was different. Since the sem break started till today, I find myself drown in chores and catching up with friends. I guess I really need time for them and of course time to clean the haggard house.
Mom doesn’t get on my nerves too often nowadays. This few weeks itself, I connect back with friends I don’t meet in almost half a year, months, and even weeks. Guess I spent so much time somewhere else I could not make time for myself and for these friends.
No ups and downs too frequent a time, just a simple straight line along the cruise. Slowing down my pace and trying to sip the fresh air. The air with my scent, the air of being me. Spending more time at home with the beautiful lady at home, maintaining this old house, and chatting throughout the night.
That is life, life during my sem break here. Hahaha…
November 14, 2009
diamond or sand?
Blood pouring,
Tears flowing,
Air gasping,
I still can’t breathe.
Crunching hearts,
Beaten minds,
Weary souls,
I still am tired.
When I needed you, where were you?
When I was standing in front of you, what were you doing?
When I loved you, where did you put my love?
All was when and when means the past…
I love you so to hurt you even more,
Love you so to be hurt like this,
Love is what I can’t give anymore,
I am sorry I can’t go on like this.
I just need to protect this fragile heart,
Not made of diamonds,
But mere sands, blown by winds,
In your hands, you could not grasp.
Time is not on our side,
For time was what I gave,
But time made a fool of us,
Time took my heart away.
How long is time?
How long does it take to make me smile?
How long does it take to break my heart?
How long does it take to understand.
This heart came back to you,
Begging you to take it in,
With past regrets,
It hopes to see changes.
For you I pluck the stars,
For you I’d cross the oceans,
I stayed the same,
Loving you even more.
Maybe I hurt you too much,
For you to show me that u love me,
Hurt you too deep,
For you to actually show that you care.
Deep inside I know you love me,
On the outside, it does not show,
You’ll care and cry,
But a tear is not what I want.
Laughter, where have you been?
Comfort, are you there?
Joy, I know you are here,
But worry, is always next to me.
Go on and tell me you will change,
Baby, hasn’t it been awhile now?
No you can’t change in a day or two,
And I can’t fight any longer for you.
I am not running away,
I’m just walking away,
I am not far away,
But I am not here to stay.
Tears flowing,
Air gasping,
I still can’t breathe.
Crunching hearts,
Beaten minds,
Weary souls,
I still am tired.
When I needed you, where were you?
When I was standing in front of you, what were you doing?
When I loved you, where did you put my love?
All was when and when means the past…
I love you so to hurt you even more,
Love you so to be hurt like this,
Love is what I can’t give anymore,
I am sorry I can’t go on like this.
I just need to protect this fragile heart,
Not made of diamonds,
But mere sands, blown by winds,
In your hands, you could not grasp.
Time is not on our side,
For time was what I gave,
But time made a fool of us,
Time took my heart away.
How long is time?
How long does it take to make me smile?
How long does it take to break my heart?
How long does it take to understand.
This heart came back to you,
Begging you to take it in,
With past regrets,
It hopes to see changes.
For you I pluck the stars,
For you I’d cross the oceans,
I stayed the same,
Loving you even more.
Maybe I hurt you too much,
For you to show me that u love me,
Hurt you too deep,
For you to actually show that you care.
Deep inside I know you love me,
On the outside, it does not show,
You’ll care and cry,
But a tear is not what I want.
Laughter, where have you been?
Comfort, are you there?
Joy, I know you are here,
But worry, is always next to me.
Go on and tell me you will change,
Baby, hasn’t it been awhile now?
No you can’t change in a day or two,
And I can’t fight any longer for you.
I am not running away,
I’m just walking away,
I am not far away,
But I am not here to stay.
November 05, 2009
no broken hearts
How u feel now, is how I feel 3 years ago.
This is just a phase for u to grow up stronger, don’t give up loving someone. You never know who can treat you better. I’ve done my best for you, I make it all possible. Now it is time for me to move on, and find my inner happiness, and your true self.
You will mold up into a better person after each fall, look what happen to me. After falling so hard, I start to stand on my feet stronger, yet still scar and skeptic about love.
Everyone at this moment of time have been hurt deeply, till the extend no one wants to pour out their love no more. I admit I can’t pour out all I once had in me for you. I can’t fall that hard anymore. My heart isn’t whole to start with, therefore I become conscious. Protecting myself from love’s catastrophe.
Until now, this heart is still not whole. This heart isn’t in one piece. It keeps cracking; I don’t know how much I could hang on any longer. I now you love me. You really do, but you don’t show it. You always think that I don’t need so much care. Don’t need you to ‘sayang’ me.
I can’t leave my heart here to crack some more…it will break. When I restore my energy, to make my heart full again, strong harsh winds blow it back down. Seasoned by your actions and cold winds, I prefer to keep my heart as a whole, before I wear out, before our fire burn out.
I am still here, I have not gone completely.
Your turn to need me so much, I can’t give you anything anymore. I can’t be there with you every day, all the time; you need someone that can do it, for you.
Don’t say that you will walk the road ahead alone. You have such good friends by your side. They are there for you. Although I feel the vast difference between us, I still can feel that they will be there to guide you.
I need to see a smile…not tears…no broken hearts, just moving on.
I want to be happy, you to be happy.
This is just a phase for u to grow up stronger, don’t give up loving someone. You never know who can treat you better. I’ve done my best for you, I make it all possible. Now it is time for me to move on, and find my inner happiness, and your true self.
You will mold up into a better person after each fall, look what happen to me. After falling so hard, I start to stand on my feet stronger, yet still scar and skeptic about love.
Everyone at this moment of time have been hurt deeply, till the extend no one wants to pour out their love no more. I admit I can’t pour out all I once had in me for you. I can’t fall that hard anymore. My heart isn’t whole to start with, therefore I become conscious. Protecting myself from love’s catastrophe.
Until now, this heart is still not whole. This heart isn’t in one piece. It keeps cracking; I don’t know how much I could hang on any longer. I now you love me. You really do, but you don’t show it. You always think that I don’t need so much care. Don’t need you to ‘sayang’ me.
I can’t leave my heart here to crack some more…it will break. When I restore my energy, to make my heart full again, strong harsh winds blow it back down. Seasoned by your actions and cold winds, I prefer to keep my heart as a whole, before I wear out, before our fire burn out.
I am still here, I have not gone completely.
Your turn to need me so much, I can’t give you anything anymore. I can’t be there with you every day, all the time; you need someone that can do it, for you.
Don’t say that you will walk the road ahead alone. You have such good friends by your side. They are there for you. Although I feel the vast difference between us, I still can feel that they will be there to guide you.
I need to see a smile…not tears…no broken hearts, just moving on.
I want to be happy, you to be happy.
October 29, 2009
should be...
It is suppose to be easy, comfortable.
Love can come with guide. Guide does not need to come with love.
You’re young we both know, time was what you need and I gave you. I had great memories but something was missing each time. Is it that you wanted me to be happy but you weren’t happy inside coz deep inside your happiness was not born out of me.
I wanted to do something else, you did as well. I saw things in this way, u saw in another. Yet we compromise, whatever you wanna do I’ll do, and so did you. Truth is you know I don’t like it, I said I wanna stop. From there we do our own things again.
Told myself, I should not leave you to be alone, I stayed nearby, hoping to be there when you need me. Sometimes I could not be there physically and it hurts both you and me. You know I always try my best to surprise you, but maybe that was not enough.
I still remember how you look when I gave you that lantern. It’s weird that you did not look surprise at all. I don’t mind if you don’t. But why when I look at you, you rather sms another person at that moment. I never felt more disappointed. What was on your mind? You apologize, but that special moment had passed. It’s gone. I wanted to see your face light up, but u didn’t.
I told you how I felt, I told how I would want you to treat me. You are supposed to be the one who should know me better. We seem so estranged, and I still can’t accept you going crazy after another TB than me. You could be so excited about her in front of me. What about me?
Am I not good enough? Yes maybe I am just not because I start to feel tired. I have no strength to pull out jokes that you don’t even laugh.
Love can come with guide. Guide does not need to come with love.
You’re young we both know, time was what you need and I gave you. I had great memories but something was missing each time. Is it that you wanted me to be happy but you weren’t happy inside coz deep inside your happiness was not born out of me.
I wanted to do something else, you did as well. I saw things in this way, u saw in another. Yet we compromise, whatever you wanna do I’ll do, and so did you. Truth is you know I don’t like it, I said I wanna stop. From there we do our own things again.
Told myself, I should not leave you to be alone, I stayed nearby, hoping to be there when you need me. Sometimes I could not be there physically and it hurts both you and me. You know I always try my best to surprise you, but maybe that was not enough.
I still remember how you look when I gave you that lantern. It’s weird that you did not look surprise at all. I don’t mind if you don’t. But why when I look at you, you rather sms another person at that moment. I never felt more disappointed. What was on your mind? You apologize, but that special moment had passed. It’s gone. I wanted to see your face light up, but u didn’t.
I told you how I felt, I told how I would want you to treat me. You are supposed to be the one who should know me better. We seem so estranged, and I still can’t accept you going crazy after another TB than me. You could be so excited about her in front of me. What about me?
Am I not good enough? Yes maybe I am just not because I start to feel tired. I have no strength to pull out jokes that you don’t even laugh.
untitled
i cant sleep the whole night...just coz i feel so stress...i din get to study today (or should i say yesterday)...thats y i tot of just sleeping the nite off...but then i could not....wake up at 12am all of a sudden...n took out econs to study...
i could study so well in th emiddle of the nite..i feel so calm...i felt as if nothing is on...everyone is asleep... but not my room mate...we study on our seperate tables till dawn breaks...n it is 6am in the morning now...
untill i open ur blog to read...i knew i would find something unpleasant, after what had happen today (yesterday)... your speechless makes me speechless...i never post bout our problems because i never felt that it were problems...until when i need you the most u keep banging me down...
i could study so well in th emiddle of the nite..i feel so calm...i felt as if nothing is on...everyone is asleep... but not my room mate...we study on our seperate tables till dawn breaks...n it is 6am in the morning now...
untill i open ur blog to read...i knew i would find something unpleasant, after what had happen today (yesterday)... your speechless makes me speechless...i never post bout our problems because i never felt that it were problems...until when i need you the most u keep banging me down...
September 10, 2009
one year of happiness
it's precisely one year that we've been together hand in hands...
if we didn't broke up...it would be a year and a half...anyway we're back...and that's more important...
these past tree months when i am in uni...i rili cherish the times we had...come to think of it...we meet each other quite often after all...
surrounding us are people with heartbroke hearts, having to miss those they love so much...or even felt lonely even in a crowd of people...
seeing JR n Sa Po i felt happy for them too...but today also was supose to be KY's anniversary too...
after the barriers we bare, being here is where any couple would want...
but still sometimes there's that age gap...hope u fast fast grow big...haha....
happy one year anniversary lah...gonna meet u later ok...
xoxo...
if we didn't broke up...it would be a year and a half...anyway we're back...and that's more important...
these past tree months when i am in uni...i rili cherish the times we had...come to think of it...we meet each other quite often after all...
surrounding us are people with heartbroke hearts, having to miss those they love so much...or even felt lonely even in a crowd of people...
seeing JR n Sa Po i felt happy for them too...but today also was supose to be KY's anniversary too...
after the barriers we bare, being here is where any couple would want...
but still sometimes there's that age gap...hope u fast fast grow big...haha....
happy one year anniversary lah...gonna meet u later ok...
xoxo...
August 29, 2009
could i make it?
its just almost 5 months after she past away...
but as each day passes, it hurts even more deeper...
isn't it suppose to be better as time wash away that scar...
ur cousin sister sms me just now..i was lying on the bed with the lights on, with my mind on whatever that came across...
i formated the phone and lost a lot of numbers...even mann's number.
all of a sudden i saw a msg saying that "im at janice's hse now..tonight gonna stay at her room"...
terkejut saya...
actually it was mann...she overnite at her house tonite...coz she'll be going to penang with auntie tml...
i've been missing her these days...even nicky oso sometimes tell me the same thing..
i just act thoug...n ignored that msg...
but tonite..i could cry again...when i recall the times when she told me how much she love her new house so much...her furniture...her appliances...the condo's facilities...
the last time we were in her hse was on new year's eve...we had a splended night steamboat...
audrey was there too...we prepared our meal tat night together...at her hse...
evrything was so delicious as d ingredients were custom chosen...
adrian even bought whisky for us...had dinner...sip a little..
if that wasnt enuf...we went swimming in the middle of the night...no one else but us..
too bad the guard had to chase us off...so funny...had to go back up...just in time to see the fire crackers on her balcony that night...
but she wasnt tat happy...like always...she remain d shady...fought on the phone with her bf...
anyway...adrian and i would owaz bring things back into mood...even if she was frowning inside...
J...we all miss u even more and more each day...u've impacted us so much...
impacted the ppl around you, as u were a down to earth person who show concern to ppl all ard you...never hurt anyone...but owaz hurted by people...
be cool gal...we're here living our days not letting u go...keeping u as an example...remind us to cherish our frens by our side...
even if we scar each other...now and then...its just a move for us to grow...
but as each day passes, it hurts even more deeper...
isn't it suppose to be better as time wash away that scar...
ur cousin sister sms me just now..i was lying on the bed with the lights on, with my mind on whatever that came across...
i formated the phone and lost a lot of numbers...even mann's number.
all of a sudden i saw a msg saying that "im at janice's hse now..tonight gonna stay at her room"...
terkejut saya...
actually it was mann...she overnite at her house tonite...coz she'll be going to penang with auntie tml...
i've been missing her these days...even nicky oso sometimes tell me the same thing..
i just act thoug...n ignored that msg...
but tonite..i could cry again...when i recall the times when she told me how much she love her new house so much...her furniture...her appliances...the condo's facilities...
the last time we were in her hse was on new year's eve...we had a splended night steamboat...
audrey was there too...we prepared our meal tat night together...at her hse...
evrything was so delicious as d ingredients were custom chosen...
adrian even bought whisky for us...had dinner...sip a little..
if that wasnt enuf...we went swimming in the middle of the night...no one else but us..
too bad the guard had to chase us off...so funny...had to go back up...just in time to see the fire crackers on her balcony that night...
but she wasnt tat happy...like always...she remain d shady...fought on the phone with her bf...
anyway...adrian and i would owaz bring things back into mood...even if she was frowning inside...
J...we all miss u even more and more each day...u've impacted us so much...
impacted the ppl around you, as u were a down to earth person who show concern to ppl all ard you...never hurt anyone...but owaz hurted by people...
be cool gal...we're here living our days not letting u go...keeping u as an example...remind us to cherish our frens by our side...
even if we scar each other...now and then...its just a move for us to grow...
August 06, 2009
catching up...
live in uni now is quite stabil already...
finally i see where i am going...what to do, an dmeet plenty of new friends that are so frenly...
just gotta hope i keep going on smoothly...why, its just a hope...
been so busy bout things, and rili no mood to type down anything, when there's actualli so much to type...
there was the 1st week of uni, the weeks to come, the prom nite..the upcoming fact nite...
there's so much things on my mind, i cant keep track of wat to do...
been well in class rili...especially for management class...d assignments rili are so challenging n makes me use my brain to answer them...n wat makes me love it..i usually score high scores like 9/10....haha...the satisfaction in that..
so much..so much happen...
yet one thing remains...that u janice, still not here with us...
i cant help but start to feel ur absence...
maybe its only 5 months...n maybe we've not talk to each other even longer than this..
but really not this way...usually we still hear some news from each other...
5 months...just like tat...slow or fast? i duno...everything's like a flash...
but when i look bak...u've oni gone for 5 months..which make me feel like a year has past...
why do i feel sad? i riili dun wan to feel this way...it hurts so much to know the thruth...
why do i cry...even if i noe that would not change a thing...
if only i noe what was the last thing u rili wanted to do...
i may just feel a lot beta...one last help for u....n u close to us...again...
finally i see where i am going...what to do, an dmeet plenty of new friends that are so frenly...
just gotta hope i keep going on smoothly...why, its just a hope...
been so busy bout things, and rili no mood to type down anything, when there's actualli so much to type...
there was the 1st week of uni, the weeks to come, the prom nite..the upcoming fact nite...
there's so much things on my mind, i cant keep track of wat to do...
been well in class rili...especially for management class...d assignments rili are so challenging n makes me use my brain to answer them...n wat makes me love it..i usually score high scores like 9/10....haha...the satisfaction in that..
so much..so much happen...
yet one thing remains...that u janice, still not here with us...
i cant help but start to feel ur absence...
maybe its only 5 months...n maybe we've not talk to each other even longer than this..
but really not this way...usually we still hear some news from each other...
5 months...just like tat...slow or fast? i duno...everything's like a flash...
but when i look bak...u've oni gone for 5 months..which make me feel like a year has past...
why do i feel sad? i riili dun wan to feel this way...it hurts so much to know the thruth...
why do i cry...even if i noe that would not change a thing...
if only i noe what was the last thing u rili wanted to do...
i may just feel a lot beta...one last help for u....n u close to us...again...
July 28, 2009
too much..
actually too much happen in the past weeks...
weeks that now seems like months i did not blog..
but weeks seem like a few days to me in reality...
so much to say, but i only i get to write so few with this fingers of mine...
i've used my time unwisely...spend it all on other leisures, and also assignments...
used it up with new friends i meet at uni...
used it up with momo at home...
used it up with mum at home...
where do i find time to sit down....relax..n blog...
wow...so fast...alls gone like the wind that blows by...a breeze i wish to feel longer...
weeks that now seems like months i did not blog..
but weeks seem like a few days to me in reality...
so much to say, but i only i get to write so few with this fingers of mine...
i've used my time unwisely...spend it all on other leisures, and also assignments...
used it up with new friends i meet at uni...
used it up with momo at home...
used it up with mum at home...
where do i find time to sit down....relax..n blog...
wow...so fast...alls gone like the wind that blows by...a breeze i wish to feel longer...
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