here

I am still here, and I am still me

If I say I did not change, that is a lie. I’ve changed, and changed. Now in the end, I am molded into a better me.

I’ve been ‘bad’ and I’ve been good…yet I turn bad and now can I say that I am good?

Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it shattered in just moments… all the heart I pour out for, and all that I reach out to, all is forgotten and now I am condemned.

I am no longer the one people looks up to, no longer that steady ME that they lean on.

The feeling is like, you are typing a document that you need to hand over urgently, you almost finish it but suddenly u accidentally spilt coffee on the lab top. Nothing is saved, and you have to type it all over again.

I remember I was very patient, I could dwell and take anything that comes in my way. But I don’t know since when, I cannot control my own anger, my dissatisfaction, my anxiety, my mind, and my actions.

The people I was good to, the people I helped, and slowly one by one they move away. Every one moving on to different paths of their lives, while some move away because their legs tell them to.

I am no longer someone anyone can rely on. I am no longer someone that cares. I am just a brutal heartless person, who doesn’t know how to be satisfied.

If I take a step, to climb up again, will anyone see that I am back? Or will they just remember how filthy I became? What if everything happened so coincidentally? That the people around me only saw the dark side of me.

I’m glad that my friends are still around me, and I did not lose them to the war against myself. Now I am picking up the shield and moving forward to take back my dignity. Although I may lose the battle, but I won’t give up on myself.

I know that I still exist, and I want so badly for her to see it.