Wo bu yao

i don't know if you understand what i am writing,

but i must try to let you know.

You n I should know better, even how close our minds may be, we are not meant for each other.

we'll be friends. that's what we are. no more, no less. no middle.

all the right and wrong we all know. 

don't tell me feelings flow like water. 

don't tell me it is all natural.

I may give u so much warmness,

and u may give me appreciation.

but my love is only one.

my love is all i want. 

i do admit i made mistakes in the pass. 

i do admit you are so good to be true.

but i am sure what i want. what i need. who i love. who i care.

caring heart, i can give. i do wish to see you become happy again. but not this way. 

no shortcut.

im sorry if i gave you so much hope.

i only wish for everyone to be happy.

i am not going away. not disappearing. im still a friend here. a normal friend.

be strong. i know you can. everyone falls. everyone hurts. everyone learns. everyone gets up.

look around you, you have many friends that care. you are not alone. and you don't need me.

in my heart. my love, my one n only is star.

to all loyal reader(s)
kinda trying out this new blog,
please navigate yourself to...

www.dreamchazer.tumblr.com

some questions...

Kinda excited lately….will tell ya later on why…haha…

The new semester has started, and here I am working in Gold River for a week. As I settle much of my stuffs in uni, I suddenly found out some distress. Its really frustrating though since im not able to be uni for this particular week.

In a state of worrying emotion most of the time, I could not understand how I could not manage this feeling properly. I feel I am too laid aback till I have to face the circumstances.

What circumstances that is? I guess its hiccups along the road. Everything used to revolve around me last time. But now, I figured that its no longer that way. I follow how the world revolves. I am bound to the rules and regulations of the university. If I do not obey, there goes my future…every move is so fragile and makes a domino effect. You don’t do this, you can’t do that.

Where I was pampered in high school, I feel so unbalanced. I do what I like no matter what it is, eventually I always go away with happy endings. Then, there is the bitter truth of just doing what you like and not planning well. All things that you assumed should fall into place, do not go exactly to how you want it.

What you want is not what you get if you could not grab hold of it. To grab hold of it doesn’t mean there is no effort in place. To grab, is to make smart decisions, precise planning, and the suitable actions.

And who knows exactly what is best? What is best? I question. What is best for me? What is best for my friends, and the people around me?

On deciding the best, here comes the invisible pressure of being best. Then comes the ironic part where there is no need to be best in all you do. You will just get tired out. What is so worthy of being best?

So silly this small mind of mine.

For being one of the best before, I do care if people have negative thoughts of me. I still want to be the clean living, heart loving, people caring person in the eyes of everyone. That is what I want to live for. For my own pleasure, I serve others. To see people around me happy.

But it is always not that easy. How many can I please? And does pleasing others guaranty my happiness. I can answer you, no. Sometimes I please n please till the extend the person may not appreciate what it is that I have done.

And so, as a human, I will make mistakes.

For not knowing what is the best actions. And as a human, we condemned the people that do not appreciate us. As I have encounter people who treat me thata way, I am immune towards the hurt of being not appreciated. That is how I defend myself. I try not to love these friends lesser for I still have hope in them. And just maybe I could not see the way they appreciate me.

All we see is the way we want people to treat us. Putting up to that, we blind ourselves on how they may have helped us in other ways we could not feel, or we are not satisfied we so little appreciation.

All I know is I can’t hate everyone that does that to me. Hate and anger would just lead to more destruction. But being truthful at certain times might help ease my discomfort. I hope for friends that I can rely on. That is all.

wake up call

This post was the post I wanted to write just before. As something inappropriate happened, I decided to postpone it. As I postpone a post, usually I would not want to mention it again, or the matter has gone pass, or else I feel no passion for writing it.


And yet, I thought I would not need to type this post out, but as the title says wake up call, this is really a wake up call for me.


As we all move towards our everyday routine, you wake up, u brush your teeth (or you don’t), you eat your breakfast (or you don’t either), you go to school, college, or work, wherever you go, you are certainly living on the time basis where from what time to what time you have to do this.


Not living like a zombie, but just it shows that we are living no matter whatever we do, or wherever we go.


And here comes the best part, unexpected things that come bumping into your way. You may find money on the floor, get a new dog from mama, or the person you had a crush on says she loves you. These are the unexpected things anyone would be happy to hear or encounter. But bear in mind, not all the time good things happen.


And all sadists will gladly tell you that don’t be too positive that money will fall from heaven, the dog may bite you one day, and the person you love may hurt and leave you one day.


For we live in a world that pain and suffering is a part and parcel of life, I still keep on the positive track of everything.


No matter how smooth our live may be, we should open up ourselves to possibilities of hurt, and friend, the way to get out of it. We are not being God and trying to predict futures, but it is just a matter of saving more money just in case of an accident. As we go for medical checkup for hearts.


I had a wake up call recently, that even how sweet my life would be now, may suddenly end. Without any sign, I am suddenly stricken into despair. I find that I had slowly become weak, and easily set up on fire. Anger my friends would only lead to more despair.


When I realize my happy world was being shaken I start to ask myself is it true? That my world may fall upon me? What was it that triggers it? What did I do or not do? Questioning myself I still could not find the reason and I dare not make my own assumptions. In a situation of question marks, pain just gets stronger.


Suddenly you feel yourself so vulnerable; a match could light up a fire. But that Sunday I went to church. I skip Sunday service for so long. Reappearing was a joy for everyone and of course for me. I listen to TK preach that morning. A song lyric struck my bitter heart. That God is enough for me, and certainly do God is enough for me. To cure my bitter heart I know that there is still HIM.


Spend my time with Amanda that Sunday afternoon who I don’t see often. Brought me to a beautiful bakery. Just chatting with her always always makes me feel better, as if she is the second Janice. She understands. Each word I want to say. Having her as a sister in christ is really heaven sent.


And so, a wake up call made me notice that anything could happen anytime. We just got to be ready. And keep on loving. Knowing that I would hurt, I don’t stop loving, I don’t start hating. For if I stop loving and start hating, I surely would not feel more happy. I love with all I have without regrets knowing that she deserves all of it.

I am happy.

I have a post I intend to post..but as I want to, another occasion comes in untill I don’t feel its suitable to spill out how I feel right that moment…in a mix of feelings, I better be a recent person and just get into the topic. (which I still doubt whether to mention or not).



I bought a new book which writes about pain. Hvnt read much, but I do get some perspective on pain now. I cant tell much yet about what I read, coz I only finish a quarter of it. But as I grab that book of the shelf, the title caught my heart, which I really want to know where is God when it hurts.


I am still in a mix of feelings, that I am jumbling up all that I want to write into one post. Pausing at the com for a moment, to think back what is it I wanted to write.


Friends in certain stage of our life changes, it may not be a drastic change, but maybe a slow process. As we all move on in different parts of our lives, sometimes even best friends feels far away.


At points of our growing life, friends that are close to us may start to have a different thinking about something. Maybe even different thinking about the same things you both agreed last time. Some friends will mature faster than us in their environment that they now work or study. Some friends will still be on the same pace as us.


And maybe, you both will start to like different things and don’t find common interest. While the world is so big outside, our friends may find other friends that share the common interest, common views, common experiences.


Yes, if there maybe someone like that come in the middle of their life, we cant be jealous and worry they would not want to be our friend again. Sometimes we just have to have a open heart, to let them have the opportunity to have a friend they are so fond of.


Although there maybe a gap in between, but for me, I will remember that we shared our pass together which is very delicate and memorable for everyone. Even if they may not notice it yet. We continue to be by their side, reminding them that we are still here, and it was us that they always want to hang out with.


Sometimes, distance become our enemy, and time bcomes a greater enemy. But inside us is our strongest weapon, that is our hearts. You have a heart, that can love and show love. Although sometimes we get hurt and dissapointed, but that is not the reason to give up. We cant stop loving the world anymore if we always get hurt. To feel pain just makes us appreciate the simple joy we have.


I may not understand even if I write so much here, but all I want is actually to give you courage. Give u another view, don’t close your heart.


I am afraid when I type this post. Afraid of what I say. Because I am not so good in talking or even writing.

I just wan you to be happy. I hope I can do that. *pray*

its been so long i have not updated, days goes by and everything just happens...


places i went and places i go. but i usually don't just chatter about places i've been, its always how i feel that is what tat matters here.


just before this post i talked about begining of a new semester, and now this little semester is coming to an end. could u consider it as fast? I would agree deeply as you can see its a distant of only a post..haha..


What actually did happen within this two months that is going to expire soon in 2 weeks plus (which includes my finals)...


Alot alot of sweet unforgetable memories im sure i would want to share discreetly with you all..haha..but just leave it to my love chest. although times have been hard for i see her lesser these 2 months, but im glad we did not shatter merely by just distance. Instead it trains us to control how much we miss someone, cumulate all that miss, and pour it out when we meet on weekends.


Some weekends we go ride bicycles, some weekends we climb hill, some weekend we just go for a jog, and some weekends we go elsewhere. Some things may seem simple,  but just as simple as it can be, i am happy for all the small small things i get to do with u. and i noe u feel it too.


To apreciate a simple thing isn't what everyone can do, or able to notice. Sometimes when u have so much, u would just want more and more, until u forget or have no feelings for small small things people do for you.


To appreciate is with the heart, not the brain nor by logic. It is not an obligation or a must, but a way to show you love what the person has done for you. I love each and everything you had made for me, done for me, and all the places you go with me.


i love.

current feeling

Feel like saying something philosophic, but there ain’t any thing that happened lately that shows much discomfort in me. As if all my days are filled with rainbows.



To think that I might be lonely this semester studying here, but I am so wrong. As the crowd gets smaller, everyone gets closer. With a new roommate, and the other gals on the same floor, my room is livelier than last time.


This room feels bigger as there is a lot of empty space, brighter as it’s on the second floor, and I can see the trees and sky. Like very nice. I am not staying under the bridge anymore, but above the bridge. The sun light can come in and make the room fresh with sunshine.


Most important of all in this semester, I can see her every day. Haha…yah…everyday. Guess how? No, not because I travel back to KL all the time. No, not because she comes to find me, but we meet in a small window every day. A special window only I can see her, and she sees me.


I find there is so much time; I must do something with it...so far I don’t know yet. But wish to work on weekends if I can. Planning on some holiday trips and feeling excited, but there are still barriers such as transport and where is the exact location. Hope it gets solve soon and we can go on our little holiday.


Been to two places out of KL with you already within this 3 months, and we still have places we haven’t go. To say is it tired? I don’t feel so. I just hope that money keeps pouring in. hahahaha…


If only I was so rich. We could go anywhere together. Do anything we want to. Bring you places that would take your breath away, although just being with me has done so. Hehe.


Could be myself so much when I am with you, you would just laugh at anything silly thing I do which makes me laugh as well, and in some ways see things the way I do. Takes care of me like a baby, and lets me protect her like a small man.

feel free

In 3rd sem now, and I feel my time here is too free…good and bad…good coz I have time for myself and work, bad that I am stuck here. Many many time oso no use. I would like to travel back to kl sometimes…hehe…

Went to Malacca on Labor Day with her, Nicky and Fiona. Drove all the way there myself and sat in the car for almost 4 hours plus just before we reach Malacca. Main reason, jam~

But it was altogether fun, first time go to Butterfly park look at alive butterflies and see them clinging on my fingers. It flew to her first and stayed on her finger longer than mine, at that time, I feel that butterflies are beautiful…only when it’s on her hands…hahahahaha…

Glad that we did not lost our way there and manage to eat chicken riceball and chendol. The main reason we go to Malacca is to go sit the Menara Taming Sari. We wanted to sit Eye on Malaysia, but its closed. So we sat the gyro tower instead. Look at the sea awhile and took pictures most of the time. Haha…

We were so tired after that; we decided to sit the all famous flower beca of Malacca back to Jonker street. It was my first time sitting the flower beca after going to Malacca so many times. hahaha..duno why I felt so happy, especially when Nicky say it’s like we are getting married…Indian style. Haha…

Went to Jonker to squeeze like sardine, as it was a public holiday, people mountain people sea. We had our dinner at the Nyonya Laksa shop near the end of the street. Waited quite a while and almost got angry because it was hot and the chef’s attitude was a bit weird. Only take order from leng lui’s.

Drove back home around 10pm and reach at kl at 1230am…throughout the journey, I fetch two little pigs sitting behind me and by the time we all reach home it was already 130am. Tired, but happy.


Very happy.

recap...

It’s been awhile I didn’t update anything. And until now I still don’t know what to write.

I always come here to express over sadness or over joyful things, and when it is in between it gets lame for me to mention.

As this is a public diary, I now have a private one with me, a living diary that jots down moments in my life. A diary that writes all that happens to me.

My distress, my dissatisfaction, my arguments, my tired moment, this little diary knows it all.
My joy, my achievement, my excitement, my craziness, this little diary reads it all.

Until I don’t have the feeling to express it again in blogs…hehe…apologies…

Just a recap, now I am having my finals…and 1 weeks after finals I have to start my 3rd semester. Which is a short semester when everyone is holidaying, I will be studying. But I still will have my own holiday~ wahaha…

Yesterday nite was iki’s 21st birthday bash, and it was very fun, where I meet back friends whom I’ve not seen for quite some time. And last two weeks was Emiri’s 21st birthday pulak, as our sis, her 21st we definitely won’t miss even if I had an exam on the day after…haha…

Den den, in march went to Su May’s 21st birthday celebration at a night club. Sweat…but me and joey had fun oso, taking pictures..hahaha….

Eh..then went to Broga Hill with the youths. Had a really memorable time there with the most special person in my life, my little diary. Did things I never did before. Things that I never do before with the one I love. Small small things but brings big meaning to us. Haa…..dreaming….

Ok..come back d…when bbq steamboat with Nicky and YY on a last minute date. Yet it was very fun coz long time din go d…the last time we went was last year, a few days before I go to UKM. They say celebrate the day before I go to “jail”…

And next month JR’s coming back, so can go out play d. when JR here there are more of us, if not just me and KY...i look at KY, KY look at me…

So that’s it…a short recap just to fill in the blanks…hahahaha…

Love is

Is beautiful when you are with the right person.

In many forms and ways love performs differently. But which is true love?

It is true when I am with you. It sweeps me off my feet, and lands me down softly on the ground.

It keeps my heart pounding each time we meet.

It hurts when we miss each other so intensely.

It’s sweet when you smile, and laugh crazily.

It fills my head only with…you…you…and you… *wah~~so many you…*

It makes me smile even if I am alone.

So crazily yet that’s true. That I am crazy for you.

And all I could be so free, being able to be myself the way you love it.

When I look right you don’t look left, just as the way I view love, you see it the same way I do.

Of how we often think and say the same things. Is it coincidental or our minds are one?

If I accidentally fall down, you pick me up and keep me running.

If I am sad you will say jokes to make me laugh.

If I miss you like gila, we will talk on the phone for hours.

If whatever comes in our way we will go through it together.

No matter what may come tomorrow, all I know now is that I love you with all my might.

And what the future comes we both know. Yet it’s alright because right now we have each other.

And for once in our lifetime we had a sweet memory like this that stay in our hearts forever.

Relationship changes and dies, but memories don’t. That’s what gonna last forever.